


Bizarre Love Triangle

by cyrc



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Polyamory, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 05:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyrc/pseuds/cyrc
Summary: Everyone needs a hobby, right?When Yamato isn't doing shady ANBU things, he writes romance novels.(aka the kakayamagai romance novel au no one asked for.)





	Bizarre Love Triangle

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [His Untamed Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3334898) by [Mithen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mithen/pseuds/Mithen). 

> Also inspired by the two second long scene in Blood Prison where Yamato is reading Icha Icha with Kakashi and the gag in Rock Lee SD about Yamato liking Icha Icha. 
> 
> Fic title from Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order. Chapter title from Heaven by Bryan Adams.
> 
> I read somewhere that Yamato was the name given to Tenzo by Hiruzen after he left Root/the Foundation, so I’m just going to go with that. 
> 
> This fic starts before Naruto Shippuden starts. 
> 
> I proofread this but it hasn’t been beta read. Feel free to comment with any corrections!
> 
> Also: fair warning, Kakashi and Gai don’t actually show up in the first chapter. Sorry.
> 
> Enjoy!

It started with Icha Icha Paradise.

Yamato wondered what sort of books Kakashi was always reading, so between missions he started reading Icha Icha Paradise.   
  
He liked it much more than he was expecting to.

The Icha Icha series wasn't particularly well written, and the smut was ridiculous, but it was easy to get caught up in all the outrageous plot twists and love triangles. It was certainly never boring. Outlandish, cheesy, and confusing, sure, but never boring. Yamato could appreciate some mindless entertainment.

  
And-

  
Yamato knew it was hardly an accurate portrayal of any sort of romantic relationship, but it was a lot closer to a long-term, semi-healthy (ish) romantic relationship than anything he'd ever seen. 

Relationships in ANBU mostly consisted of discrete, unemotional flings. Romantic relationships weren’t forbidden, but they were highly discouraged. Getting attached was risky, and many ANBU agents were too emotionally scarred for anything more than one night stands. 

Yamato had been on a few dates, but it was nearly impossible to maintain a relationship with anyone outside of ANBU. There were too many secrets for a lasting relationship. 

The relationships in Icha Icha were completely different. Yamato knew they were exaggerated and over dramatic, but it was nice to think about heartfelt confessions and true love. It was a welcome change from the somewhat grim nature of most of his missions.

—

  
Yamato was reading Icha Icha Violence when Anko quite literally dropped by his apartment. He disabled the seals on his window and opened it to let her in. 

It was strange to say, but Anko was one of his best friends. After Kakashi became a jonin-sensei and the members of team ro were reassigned, they had been assigned to the same team. It took a while and quite a few fights, but Anko gradually became a constant in Yamato’s life.

It was nice to have a friend like Anko. It could be tiring to be around her, but it was always fun. Or at least interesting. Unforgettable might be a better description. Occasionally traumatic.

He was glad he didn’t have to go on missions with her anymore. His cautious, detail oriented approach didn’t mix well with Anko’s more… chaotic approach. 

"Hey Yamato!” Anko greeted him enthusiastically from her perch on his windowsill. 

Yamato nodded in greeting. “Hey Anko.”

“I haven't seen you around in a while," Anko said. “Want to go out for drinks?”

Anko looked surprised when she saw what he was reading. "Icha Icha, huh? Never took you for that kind of guy.”  


She paused and reconsidered. “Actually, I take that back. You are definitely the type of guy that likes trashy romance novels.”

  
Yamato rolled his eyes. "I was curious. And yes, I'll go drinking with you."   
  
Anko cheered. "Alright! You want to go to Knockout? I hear they have new drinks to test out!”

Yamato winced. The last time he tried something from Knockout’s experimental menu, well… he still couldn’t look Yugao in the eye.

“Let’s… not.”

“Coward,” Anko said, sticking out her tongue. She leapt out his window, yelling back at him: “Last one to the bar is buying!”

“Hey!” He yelled. “I paid the last three times!”

  
—

Yamato was leaning against the wall next to the entrance to Knockout when Anko arrived. 

“You’re buying,” he said smugly. He ducked into the bar, Anko following close behind. 

“Fiiiiine,” she said, waving a hand at him. “But if I’m buying, you’re definitely trying the-” She squinted at the menu above the bar- “Horse jizz.”

“What?” Yamato said. “No, I’m not. Beer and milk? That’s disgusting. What kind of person would do that to themself?”  


“Someone who’s not a coward?”

“Hey, Yamato, Anko!” Someone called. They turned to see Shizune weaving through pockets of laughing shinobi. 

“Hey Shizune!” Anko said.

Yamato smiled at her. “Shizune! Hello.”

“I wanted to thank you for helping me carry paperwork earlier,” she said. “You were a huge help. Kotetsu and Izumo were also very grateful.”

“Oh, it was no problem,” Yamato said. “I was glad to help.”

“How’s it going, working as the Hokage’s second?” Anko asked. 

“Exhausting,” Shizune said. “Wrangling funding from the elders is like getting blood from a stone. And the less said about the paperwork, the better.”

“Sounds rough,” Anko said sympathetically. “Why don’t you sit with us? You look like you could use a drink. Or ten.”

“You have no idea,” Shizune said. She smiled gratefully at Anko. 

“Hey, bartender!” Anko called. “Three Bluebirds, please!”

She turned to Shizune and Yamato, a challenging grin on her face. 

“I bet I could drink both of you under the table,” Anko said.

“Yes, you could,” Yamato said, firm in his resolve to avoid another drinking contest with Anko. 

“Wow. No competitive spirit at all.” Anko stuck her tongue out at him. “Or are you chicken?”

“I’m not -” Yamato huffed. “Fine. Just don’t blame me in the morning.”

—

Yamato woke up on the floor of his living room with a hangover. He closed his eyes in a feeble attempt to block out the merciless sunlight, groaning miserably. Somewhere to his left, he heard Shizune groaning in commiseration. 

He laid there for a few minutes, idly wondering if melting into the floor would make his headache go away. Probably not, he was forced to conclude, and he didn’t want to creep out his downstairs neighbors if he lost control and fell into their apartment. He healed faster than most people anyways, so the hangover wouldn’t last too long. Hopefully. That didn’t mean it hurt any less in the moment, though. Against his better judgement, he eased open an eye to assess the damage.

His apartment was in surprisingly good shape. The last time Anko had been in his apartment after a drinking contest… well, it was a good thing he had mokuton. 

  
Shizune was lying half under the table and half on Anko, who was slumped against his couch, glaring half-heartedly into the distance and radiating regret.

Resigning herself to her hangover, she slid to the floor with a soft thump. She made a disgruntled noise when she realized she was laying on a scattered pile of papers. 

“What the hell?” She grumbled. She picked up one at random, squinting blearily at it, before perking up after reading whatever was written on it. 

“What is that?” Yamato asked. 

“This? This is some _ quality _ trashy romance. The crème de la crème of harlequin novels. Also, your handwriting is weirdly legible for how smashed you were.”

Shizune, who had been previously lying face-down on Anko’s lap, pulled herself up to lean next to her. 

"’Takeo’s heart beat a frantic pace as Rai leaned in closer’," Anko read aloud. “‘His hair shone like quicksilver in the moonlight. He was confusing and deadly- and Takeo couldn’t stay away.’”

Shizune rested her head on Anko’s shoulder, skimming the papers in her hands.

“It’s not bad,” She said consideringly. “I’d read it.”  


“You should publish this!” Anko said. Yamato paused in dragging himself upright to give her a skeptical look. 

“Why?” He said. 

“Why not?” Anko said. “This is great. And hilarious. You should definitely publish this.”

Yamato made a vague noise as he finished pulling himself up and headed to the kitchen.

“Do what you want,” he said. “It’s out there now. It’s free.”

He uncapped a bottle of painkillers and swallowed two before throwing the bottle towards Anko, who caught it with a grin.

Yamato opened his fridge, frowning at its contents. Or lack thereof. “Did you eat all my food?”

“Yeah,” Anko said. “Everything edible, that is. You should really do something about whatever that orange slime is.”

Yamato eyed it warily. “...I don’t think I should touch that.”

“Probably not,” Shizune said. 

“I could set it on fire,” Anko said. “Fire sterilizes things, right?”

“No,” Yamato said firmly. “You are not setting my apartment on fire. Again.”

“Not even a little bit?” 

“Not even a little bit.”

“You’re no fun,” Anko said. 

“You’re a menace,” Yamato said, trying to hide a smile. “Come on, I’ll buy breakfast.”

“You’re just saying that to get us out of your apartment.”

“Yes, I am. Is it working?”

Shizune smiled. “I’m convinced.”

Anko get to her feet, stretching her arms over her head. “Alright, let’s go. Want to try that new restaurant around the corner? I’ve heard their pancakes are amazing.”

“Sounds good to me,” Yamato said. Shizune nodded in agreement. 

“Great! We should also get some ochazuke! Or ramen! Or both, since Yamato’s treating us!”

Yamato raised an eyebrow. “Don’t push it.”

—

It was a month and five missions later before Yamato saw Anko again.

He was turning in a mission report when she appeared behind him, grinning in a way that could only mean trouble.

“Hey Yamato!” Anko said. She pushed a book into his hands before he could react. The book had a very muscular and very shirtless man on the cover. “Great timing. Congrats!”

“Congrats-? On what?”

“You know,” Anko said. “Becoming a published author!”

“I… thought you were kidding.”

“Nope,” Anko said cheerfully. “Dead serious.”

Yamato sighed. “I can never tell with you.”

“That’s what makes me so fun!”

“...that’s one way to put it.”

“Just you wait,” Anko said, grinning widely. “Your book will be sensational.”

“Sure,” Yamato said skeptically. 

Anko just laughed at his expression. She patted his shoulder and left with a wave and a yelled: “Later, Yamato!”

“...Sure,” Yamato sighed. “Later.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this 2 years ago and it shows, lol. It’s also probably glaringly obvious that I’ve never been to a bar or been (really) drunk.
> 
> Anyways. Sorry in advance, this was another fic where I promised myself I'd at least finish the first chapter but it takes me literal years to do anything.


End file.
